Helpful Books

What books were helpful to you when you were becoming single again? I know that I couldn't read very much for a while. Suddenly, all the novels I had been reading seemed irrelevant. I dropped out of my book club. I just couldn't hang out with all my married friends and discuss literature anymore.

I had no idea how to get divorced, particularly without ruining my kids which was my foremost concern. I had not talked to many people yet about the demise of my marriage, but needed some direction. The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons served as a survival guide in those first few months. Ahrons introduced me to the term "binuclear family" as an option to "broken home." Divorce, Ahrons explains, doesn't end your family, it redefines it.

Although not related to divorce or grief recovery, the first book that I read in a year was a collection of humorous essays by an Arizona writer named Laurie Notaro. Her first book, the Idiot Girl's Action Adventure Guide had me laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face. She helped me break the ice on my reading freeze.

Again, not a divorce recovery book, but Anne Lamott's Plan B was also inspiring and relieving. Her newest book, Grace Eventually, is a great example of how to view the accumulation of all your bad decisions and good intentions.

What have you read that was helpful?

Church Singles

Do any of you go to a church that has a good singles support group?

My church has tried to start one, but in a way it's like re-inventing the wheel. There are already some good groups out there.

So ours has just become an e-mail list that goes out every now and then. It seems that church groups oftne have more women than men. I wonder if that has to do with custody arrangements.

Holiday Weekend Fun

What have you all been doing this Memorial Day? My neighbor's family is in town for Rolling Thunder in DC. That reminds me that tonight would be an excellent night for people watching downtown. I'm heading out.

I had a few invitations to cook-outs and picnics. A member of Changing Focus was having one that sounded fun. Did anyone go? How was it? I wish I could go to them all!

I helped march with my sister's Abrakadoodle float in the town parade. Even though it was sweaty hot, I'm glad the warm weather is finally here!

I did get down to Annapolis for a lovely date on the Schooner Woodwind. Have you guys ever tried that? It was the perfect weather for a sunset sail. I even got to crank the winch on the main mast for the heaviest sail. And we met the lead singer from South Africa's "Peace Train" which made for interesting conversation.

What are some fun date destinations near you?

First Mystery Bar Stool

I went back to Changing Focus in Crofton again tonight. I was disappointed that I had to go significantly late because of my daughter's concert. Her concert was delightful, but it sounds like I missed a lot of a good conversation.

Not to worry though, I was able to continue the conversation with about 25 really cool and interesting local men and women at a nearby dining establishment.

Do you recognize the restaurant based on the photo below of one of their bar stools?

Facial Hair

Ladies -
What's your preference: moustache or no? beard or no?

In a standard deck of cards, the King of Hearts is the only king with no moustache. Hhmmm, is a smooth shave universally accepted for better kissing?

But if I were a man, I bet I would hate to shave every day.

I prefer a smooth shave, although a moustache can be fine if it is soft. The newly trimmed moustache can be treacherous. I've never kissed anyone with a twirly waxed moustache, but I'm not putting on my list of things to try before I die either.

Appearance vs Reality

During the first year of my second singlehood, many well-meaning friends tried to encourage me by describing how strong I was for surviving this storm. Usually I just accepted the comment as it was intended, but inside I had a comeback.

What choice did I have? Was just moving and breathing the same as being strong? I hadn't wanted to be strong in this way. I was barely hanging on to functionality. My parental duties kept me moving, even if it was haltingly.

Now that more time has passed, people say that less often. Most days now I do feel stronger than when I was married. I know all the right things to say to reassure those concerned that I am fine. I emphasize all the reasons I'm glad to be single. Single is preferable to a bad marriage to be sure. Mostly I believe myself.

So people think I'm strong. But many days, more often many nights, I don't feel strong at all. I wish my life had gone along with my hopes and plans. Sometimes I wish it were all different.

Do you know what I mean?

Where to Spill

I had a helpful reminder today that not everyone I meet wants an update on the latest details about my divorce or last relationship. At the slightest nudge, a contractor working in my house spilled his guts to me about his current sad state of affairs.

Poor guy. This big manly man was heartbroken and couldn't think of much else. While I was listening and listening I found myself wondering, did I ask?

I was trying to be patient because I remember that stage. It sucks. But I don't know that guy and the whole bus stop hecticness was going on at my house. He just sucked my neighbors into the conversation: two other single moms. We had a hard time cutting him off. We had to let him wind down on his own.

It is great to have a place where you can safely spill when you're overflowing. I had a friend or two I could call anytime. Some available in person. Some available on-line. I try to pay that favor forward by listening.

Spill here. If I haven't been there, someone else in this conversation has. It helps just to spill.

But you probably shouldn't do it to your customers.
Who did you spill on?
Did you ever catch yourself going on and on too much?

What not to say

One of my alert readers found this link about
First Date Conversation Advice

Have you ever been on a date and the person you were with said something that just ended it for you on the spot? I mean unintentionally ending the possible relationship.
If you share that with us, maybe we won't make the same mistake.

Changing Focus

I have had a wonderful writing assignment for the magazine. I was assigned to write the Non-Profit of the Month feature for the June issue on Changing Focus, a Crofton based support group for people going through the crisis of divorce or death of a spouse.

I went to this group twice about a year into my separation and could tell it was a comfortable, useful place to be. Unfortunately, the weeknight meetings were stressful to attend with my kids so little and my family already supporting me on many other fronts. I was in therapy and on anti-depressants at the time, so I was trying to dig out from the rubble.

Now, three years later, I was required to go. I attended the divorce support group. I immediately felt the welcoming, safe atmosphere. The conversations were helpful. Everyone there understood. They were all happy for the publicity that I was going to bring them through the magazine and generously offered their testimonials about how CF helped them through a tough time.

Several participants identified the usefulness of hearing divorce stories from the opposite sex. It was good to hear how the other side thinks in a safe environment.

Did you every go to a support group? What was good about it?

Mobile Flirtation

Do you ever flirt with passing motorists?

The latest issue of US News & World Report ranks my home county as the sixth worst traffic in the country. Numbers 1-4 are all NYC feeders. I spend a lot of time driving, although a lot of it is shuttling children and so of course, I behave myself then. But otherwise, why not make the most of that time? A lot of folks could use a smile, right?

Really mobile flirtation at its best is just catching someone's eye and smiling, maybe a nod of the head or peering over the tops of your sunglasses. I don't know if I'd try it at a dead stop. But it can be fun.

Once, I was driving around here and I noticed a big shiny pick-up truck ahead of me with a WV license plate that had two extra tires in the back. It struck me as silly to have four tires in the back here in the heart of suburbia. Where was he going? I thought, What is it about those WV boys and their trucks?

When I passed the truck I thought I'd glance over and see if it was actually a WV guy driving. He caught me checking him out and took it as invitation. He passed me and beeped and waved. That was fine. I laughed and waved back, having unintentionally started this.

But then he started honking and waving at me to follow him off the next exit. Really? Did he really think all I needed was a honk and a wave? I have felt needy before, but I do require a bit more effort than a honk and a wave.

Do you have any stories from the road?

Bouncing Back

After my period of wallowing, I slowly started taking better care of myself. I do remember one moment when I just felt irritated with the Ex and myself for having allowed myself to get so low. Why was I allowing myself to be miserable?

One of the first steps toward recovery was getting back to exercise. I had a friend who persisted in inviting me to join her on her daily walk. Reluctant at first, I just agreed to two mornings a week. But slowly, I incorporated more.

Do you find that, just as unhealthy choices lead to more unhealthy choices in a downward spiral, that healthy choices can lead you back into an upward spiral? For example, after a third glass of wine, a bag of chips can seem like a single serving: bad leading to bad.

But once I started walking more, I hated to cancel out my effort with stupid eating habits. Slowly, I started getting healthier: good leading to good.

What baby steps toward recovering yourself did you make, or are you currently making? Maybe you are just considering that your wallowing time is coming to an end. It is tiresome after a while, isn't it? Is it time to take care of yourself? If you don't, who will?