Shell Shocked

In retrospect, I'm not sure how surprised I am that I am single. This certainly wasn't Plan A. On the surface of things, my marriage seemed great. When people asked if we fought, I would say that we only ever had one fight, but it was still unresolved. I think I knew where things were headed, I just didn't want to admit it. And I suppose that disagreement we had is resolved now.

Even so, I didn't have a self-concept of myself as single. I felt like I had failed not only my marriage, but also myself and my children.

Those first months were more of a grieving process than anything. I needed time to wallow, and that is exactly what I did.

Although I'm not proud of those months, in a way I think they were a necessary part of the process. I stayed up too late. I played a lot of computer solitaire. I drank way too much, which made late night snacking a habit. I wasn't exercising and I gained a significant amount of weight.

My months of wallowing did have a bit of a silver lining. My children became more independent. Even though I make much healthier choices for myself now and am able to focus on productive aspects of my life, my children still fix their own breakfasts and pack their own school lunches. I don't remember teaching them that they had too, I just quit doing it for them because I felt so miserable in the morning.

In this way, they were one of my first lines of support. They never complained. We all just did what we had to do. I bet it would have been harder if they were younger.

How did you react when you first un-coupled?

Left Hand Scan

Do you find yourself making furtive glances at left hands for rings? I don't think I ever did this when I was married. In many cases, the ring doesn't change the conversation. But if the conversation is looking promising, I catch myself trying to sneak a peak.
No ring doesn't mean they are not married. In many professions, rings are a safety hazard. But a ring usually means they are married and I'm moving on, again, depending on the context of the conversation.
What about you?

Deliberately Single

I hate to assume that just because someone is single that they want to get married. Judging from the e-Harmony commercials, obviously many many do. But not everybody.

I suppose the need to mate is an ancient urge designed to preserve the species. So there must be, on some level, a biological factor.

Then there is the societal factor instilled in the very young through the happily-ever-after endings that teaches that happiness begins with marriage.

I am not opposed to marriage, just to bad marriages. I know a lot of people in great marriages who give me hope. I also know a lot of unhappily married people. Marriage, in and of itself, cannot provide happiness.

So I've been wondering how many singles out there have never wanted to get married.

I understand coming to that place where it no longer holds an allure. I won't rule it out as a possiblity. I just see it as less and less likely.

But are there folks out there who, for whatever reason, were never drawn to marriage? I wonder how you skated around the push to marry.

It seems that once you can get over the idea of wanting to get married, you have a much better chance to be content and happy.

Reality Singles

The last weekend of Spring Break, my teenage daughter indulged in a marathon of a "reality" tv show called "Outback Jack." After a few episodes in a row, I decided to check out what my impressionable daughter was watching.

yikes!

On this show, like I suppose many before them, Outback Jack has to select a bride by process of elimination through a series of tasks and events. This show was like Crocodile Dundee meets the Bachelor.

When I was my daughter's age, I would cringe when my mother was watching tv with me and a love scene came on. She was a nurse at Great Southeast Hospital in Washington DC in the women's health unit. She was treating women who were dying of stds. So I knew she couldn't help herself. She had to turn the tv show into a lessons. Sometimes my sister and I would catch each other's eye and brace for the inevitable lecture. It made me want to turn the show off.

Well, my daughter has a divorced mother. So when I learned that the "winner" had to marry the guy, I couldn't help myself. I had to turn it into a lecture.
- marriage isn't a game
- this isn't reality
- why are they crying when they get eliminated? they just met the guy!
- why is he crying when he eliminates someone? would he prefer polygamy?
- what are they going to do when they have to live together without a camera crew and scheduled tasks?
- what will dishes and laundry and babies and carpools do to their "love?"

My daughter asked me to leave to room. I was ruining it.
Gladly.

Do you guys watch these shows where beautiful people line up to fight for another's affection? Are the producers married? Are they mocking us?

But then I think, how could they do worse than I did? I was careful, thoughtful, took my time. We got to know each others' families, attended church together, had common goals, and it still ended in divorce. Who am I to criticize?

Dating Gone Badly

Were you ever on a date and you knew immediately that this was not the person for you? Maybe it was a rapid series of rising red flags. Are you far enough from it to laugh about it now?

Here's one of my stories...
I tried a date with a man who was a soccer coach. It was a second date in the afternoon and a bit unscheduled. I knew he had to coach in the evening, but he arrived at noon at my house - in his coaching attire. I had dressed pretty casual, but not in jersey knit elastic waisted shorts and a t-shirt.

But ok, I tried to be optimistic. I don't mean to be superficial. We decided on lunch and an Adam Sandler movie. Before departing my house, he used my restroom and picked up a little book I had in there entitled "What Every Woman Should Do Once." He thought it would be a fun conversation starter over lunch. Ok, why not.

When we got in his car, he asked if I would mind if he carried a "man purse." He said he needed it since he didn't have pockets. I was wondering why he chose shorts with no pockets. I offered to carry his wallet in my purse. The shorts were bad enough. I couldn't do the man-purse too.

He flipped through the book at the restaurant. He didn't know what it meant to "Go Commando." Neither had he ever heard of the "Kama Sutra." Not good signs. I wasn't going to tell him. But OK, maybe he had just been sheltered.

After the movie I asked if we could stop in the book store. I had been wanting to add some classic jazz to my collection: Ella, Billie, or Cab. He put on some of those headphones and had the store stereo play Billy Joel. He couldn't help himself; he had to sing and dance. Like many people with headphones on, he was neither aware of how loud he was, nor the fact that he didn't really know the words.

I knew for sure then. I can overlook one flaw, even two or three. I'm sure there is a lid for this pot, but mine wasn't going to fit.

Brainstorm

I would like to think of a better name for this blog/column. Suburban Singles Scene is good because it is specific and fits with the name of the sponsoring magazine, Suburban Scene. But "singles scene" seems a little hackneyed. SSS has historical military connotations, although the "selective" part is important to singles. I can't make the symbol for S cubed on blogger.

So since we're talking about names, how about helping me think of some options.
Here's what's off the top of my head:
"Out of the Box" - sounds like a kids tv show
"Table for One" - sound a bit lonely
"Independent Living"
"Happily Ever After"
"Off the Hook" - too cynical?
"Self-Reliance" -
"Scot Free" - not good if you liked Scott
"Individual Bliss"
"Singular Integrity"
"Inner Gyroscope"

New Names

I decided to keep my married name because it seemed easier to have the same last name as my children. Also, I hate all the paperwork and phone calling to change everything. Have you been to the MVA lately? I'm getting close to the point where I will have had my "married" name as long as my maiden name. I don't know if I'll ever change back, although I don't really feel like it is my name. Maybe I'll take my blogger name.

I certainly wouldn't take anyone else's name again. I don't know if I'll encourage my daughters to change their names if they marry either. Of course, they are free to do as they wish. I suppose there is some optimism in taking your husband's name.

What do you think? Guys, if you considered marriage, would you want her to change her name? What about your daughters? Does is bug you that your Ex still has your last name?