In retrospect, I'm not sure how surprised I am that I am single. This certainly wasn't Plan A. On the surface of things, my marriage seemed great. When people asked if we fought, I would say that we only ever had one fight, but it was still unresolved. I think I knew where things were headed, I just didn't want to admit it. And I suppose that disagreement we had is resolved now.
Even so, I didn't have a self-concept of myself as single. I felt like I had failed not only my marriage, but also myself and my children.
Those first months were more of a grieving process than anything. I needed time to wallow, and that is exactly what I did.
Although I'm not proud of those months, in a way I think they were a necessary part of the process. I stayed up too late. I played a lot of computer solitaire. I drank way too much, which made late night snacking a habit. I wasn't exercising and I gained a significant amount of weight.
My months of wallowing did have a bit of a silver lining. My children became more independent. Even though I make much healthier choices for myself now and am able to focus on productive aspects of my life, my children still fix their own breakfasts and pack their own school lunches. I don't remember teaching them that they had too, I just quit doing it for them because I felt so miserable in the morning.
In this way, they were one of my first lines of support. They never complained. We all just did what we had to do. I bet it would have been harder if they were younger.
How did you react when you first un-coupled?
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WOW. This brings back memories. I think that I spent the early days of singlehood getting to know who I was again. I had left myself out of my idea of Wife and Mother. So, it was very interesting to get to know me again. I learned that I am a very strong woman who is able to do many things that I never thought I could. I learned that I am independant enough to take charge and make progress. I also learned that my children were taking their cues from me. I needed to handle things in a way that made them feel safe. That felt like such a tall order to me. But, in the process of me discovering that I could be a great single Mother, I also grew very close to my children. We sort of explored the new independence thing together.
I also did the staying up too late and drinking too much. I agree that it seemed to be necessary. At least, in my case it did. I was wallowing also. I didn't set out to be a single mother, and I believe that I needed to mourn the loss of what I thought my life was to be when I married. I needed to mourn it and then let it go, and that takes awhile.
I remember the first time that I left the house without making the beds (my ex is a neat/control freak). I was giddy with the power!! I remember the whole ride to work was me giggling about it. It was such an eye opener to me (later in the day) to realize just how much control I had let someone else have over me. That was a tough lesson to learn, but in a way a funny one just because of how I learned it.
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